Tough Love

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Yet another fabulous new definition

The Orange Catalogue – A fabulous new euphemism for shopping in that Grattan catalogue of weird fetishes and badly lit cock pics that is gaydar.

And here are a few reasons why surfing gaydar is like flicking (ahem) through a mail order catalogue.

i. You can’t remember precisely why or when you subscribed to it, and yet still you look. (The major difference here being you never get stopped by an old biddie in a shopping centre asking: “Excuse me, sir, but do you need some hot cock?” Or maybe we’re just going to the wrong shopping centres,)

ii. Nothing in either ever looks like its picture.

iii. You end up sending far more back than you keep.

iv. You can pay in instalments (if a course of antibiotics counts as instalments).

v. There’s an awful lot of artificial fibres on display in both.

vi. They both refuse to believe that male swimwear has moved on a lot from the days of high leg Speedos.

vii. They’re both full of pictures of vapid looking men in their pants. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing.

viii. One way or another, you end up seeing an astounding array of bad soft furnishings.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to go check our messages. It’s like staying in to wait for the postman, except junk mail rarely has a picture of someone in a sling bearing the legend “gr8 pic, m8”. *Shudder*

Go straight to Hell Part II

Go directly to Hell. Do not pass ‘Go’. Do not collect £200.

Yesterday, developers in New York unveiled the new plans for Freedom Tower, to be built on Ground Zero. The plans have been changed to make it ‘safer and more secure’.

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Is that a sink plunger they’ve plonked crookedly on top? We can’t help but think they’ve accidentally put it in the wrong place.

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There. That’s better.

The first person to read this and think ‘Exterminate’ wins a special Club-class ticket on the same flight to damnation we’re booked on.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Back from the dead (Part Two)

With a set of fabulous new self-definitions to live your life by...

We’re currently recovering from a weekend in which we lurched from one extreme to another.

For instance, Friday night saw us accused of turning into a lesbian. Apparently liking all things lentil and mung bean-shaped, eating soya yoghurt and wanting to own cats are unmistakable symptoms. Hmmm. How expensive are property prices in Hebden Bridge again?

On Saturday night, however, we were told in all seriousness that we were “a player”. Now this is surprising. For one thing, we never fully believed such a thing existed outside of R&B videos. Also, how can someone who gets mistaken for Louis Theroux on a weekly basis ever be bracketed in (albeit loosely) with Calum Best?

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(Incidentally, having now scientifically compared Calum Best to the huge majority of highlight afflicted hairdressers clogging up Canal Street. He may be straight but he certainly doesn’t look it.)

That’s enough digression, though – let’s get to the point.

Dating in today’s post-modern, internet-ready world is a tricksy place. Often you can find yourself in romantic (or just plain sleazy) situations you have no vocabulary to describe. Never fear, however. Here are a few new handy words and phrases to help you on your way.

Hojo – The state one reaches where one’s desire to slut around is matched (or exceeded) by other people’s desire to do rude things with you.

Example: “I don’t want to go out tonight. I think I’ve lost my hojo.”

UCAS Dating – Now this only makes sense. When applying for University, it is highly inadvisable to put all your eggs in one basket and just write ‘Oxford’ down on the form, isn’t it? Common-sense dictates that you apply to a number of Universities that sound nice/good etc and then make a firm decision based on visiting the campus, interviews and who makes you an offer. So why should dating be any different?

Just as one University that looks nice on paper (we’re thinking of you, Bristol, and your uppity ways) can turn out to be a stuck-up little madam who doesn’t return your calls; others (Manchester, for example) though a little rough round the edges, are so keen they offer to go all the way at the first opportunity.

Translate this into dating and it looks like this. Why should you sit around waiting for Mr Bristol to decide you’re not posh enough when you could be taking advantage of Mr Manchester at the same time? And as long as you don’t commit to anything too soon, it’s a guilt-free solution. The living embodiment of “try before you buy”. With UCAS rules allowing you to apply to up to 6 institutions simultaneously, however, we do advise caution. Terminal exhaustion is a very real possibility.

There’s also another downside – the chance that all your first choices will tell you to get stuffed, leaving you in the state otherwise known as . . .

Clearing – Basically, what happens in night clubs after 2am if you haven’t already pulled and stopped being fussy two Cheeky Vimtos ago. (Health Warning: Last-minute decisions can result in disappointment or crabs – or both.)

So there you go. If you’re very lucky we might do a simultaneous review of Antony and The Johnsons and Banarama’s new single tomorrow, thus proving that is physically possible to go from the sublime to the ridiculous.