Tough Love

Monday, November 21, 2005


1) My mother once: tried to tell me and my brothers off while wearing a mud mask. It didn’t do much for her parental authority.

2) Never in my life: Have I played ‘Pooh sticks’. Some things are just too twee, and I always preferred Paddington Bear anyway.

3) When I was five: my favourite hobby was intimidating my Witch of a teacher.

4) High School was/is: A living Hell – except hell is warm and the people are interesting.

5) I will never forget: * Choir * “Where I’m coming from”. Sorry, the Take That boxset’s bringing in all back.

6) I once met: Sir Ian McKellan while pissed and only *just* resisted the temptation to recount the funny story about the ex-boyfriend we share.

7) There's this person I know who: aspires to the condition of Jewish motherhood. He has the wrong plumbing for it, but would look great in an Orthodox wig.

8) Once, at a bar: Is how most of my anecdotes begin.

9) By noon I'm usually: Embroiled in a guerilla war over washing up with our office manager.

10) Last night I: made scones, soda bread, roasted a chicken and made soup from the stock. My middle name’s only two letters away from Nigella too.

11) If I only had: that recipe again. Knew I should never have left that cake out in the rain…

12) Next time I go to church/temple: I’ll burst into flames.

13) Terri Schiavo: Is??

14) I like: booze, books and boys, in no particular order.

15) When I turn my head left, I see: Someone in the early stages of a nervous breakdown, but that’s offices for you.

16) When I turn my head right, I see: our office manager breathing fire. She and evening primrose oil are as strangers.

17) You know I'm lying when: my nose gets even bigger. Oy vey!

18) In grade school: I was an obnoxious know-it-all twat. Not much has changed.

19) If I was a character written by Shakespeare: I’d use lots of long words, and have most of my lines cut in modern productions.

20) By this time next year I: will be weeping at the inevitable break-up of Girls Aloud – and possibly playing mournfully with my Nicola doll.

21) A better name for me would be: Louis Theroux – but that’s another story.

22) I have a hard time understanding: My ex, which is a very LONG story.

23) If I ever go back to school I'll: Still be crap at football, but be fabulous with it.

24) You know I like you if: My eyes don’t glaze over 5 minutes into our debut conversation.

25) If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Cher, for being an inspiration to us all.

26) I hope that: Rachel Stevens is sent to Hollyoaks rather than Doctor Who. She’d be more Adric than Elizabath-Jane.

27) Take my advice: and neither the blue nor the red pill. The Matrix was shit.

28) My ideal breakfast is: soya-yoghurt-based – the breakfast of lesbians.

29) A song I love, but do not have is: Mariah Carey’s infamous ‘Laryngitis Sessions’. Oh, the blissful, blissful silence.

30) If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You review your decision to own sportswear.

31) Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: Tulips to brighten up a room; character flaws cause I have more of them than a dodgy Ming vase; microchips bring us MP3 players and hence the chance to blot out awful people on public transport; track stars for upper body definition and endurance, of course.

32) Why won't anyone: Put us out of Linda Barker’s misery with a bag of upholstery nails?

33) If you spend the night at my house: You may get a night of passion, but you might also get a night of Radio 4.

34) I'd stop my wedding: if the bridesmaids refused to wear the Ugly Sister costumes I have in mind.

35) The world could do without: Twiggy, and possibly Lulu.

36) I'd rather lick the belly of a roach than: Work in a call-centre again.

37) My favorite is: black kittens with big ears and bushy tails. Or, failing that, Ben Cohen giftwrapped in a pair of festive boxer shorts. (Hint hint Father Christmas).

38) Paper clips are more useful than: An evening spent at home watching ITV1.

39) And by the way: That top with those arms? I don’t think so.

40) The last time I was drunk: Was at a professional awards do. I was spotted copping off with another ‘Gentleman who has opinions on soft furnishing’ in the loos by a client. Naturally I have no memory of this.

41) My grandmother always: Was the finest tragic actress never to have graced the British stage. Her Lady Macbeth would have been amazing – shame she was such a horrible woman.